free

I often wish I could be something else. If I had talent, I would love to be a writer. I can legitimately shut myself in a room and day dream as much as I want. I can live in whatever world my imagination can bring me. In researching the book, I can visit all sorts of dodgey places without feeling guilty. I can even have a swim in the mermaid tank...haa haa! Hmm, may be not, don't want to catch any weird skin diseases, who knows how often they wash that tank. Words are so powerful yet delicately delicious! And no calories! Very useful considering my ever expanding waistline nowadays! Otherwise, I wouldn't mind being a movie critic either. Spending my day alone with reels and reels of movies, being taken to parts of the world I have never heard of, be immersed in the lives of people brought up with opposing values and completely different mold. No one to annoy me. No one to feel inferior to. Just me and imagination. Considering how today's practice went, I shouldn't be thinking like this. At least Master was kind and encouraging. But everything is still my fault, I'm still...a basket case. "Yes it's good, yes it's good, it's good to be free".

judgement day

Sitting at Dunk and thinking what a miserable day. I also happened to have chosen a place without wifi. Oh well, anyway, may be I’ll try again tomorrow, have to go to a Starbucks next time. Today got some junk mail from facebook calling to write about “freedom” and what it means. The Oasis lyric, “it’s good, yes, it’s good to be free”. Other people say “freedom is just another word for having nothing to lose”. What can you say, I suppose they are both true. Sitting alone in the café, I feel free but at the same time, looking around me, families, couples talking on a Saturday afternoon. And I feel disconnected, detached. I wonder if this is how the detached feeling in PTSD feels like. It’s such an egocentric concept – freedom. I suppose it means you have the right to do whatever you want. On the other hand, does that mean that no one cares about what you do? Doesn’t that just reflect the contradictory message we have in society nowadays? Heard a song by the Pussy Cat Dolls, a.k.a. sticks who can’t sing, contorting their bodies in little more than rags saying “when I grow up, I want to be famous, I want to drive nice cars, I want to be in movies" and so on. What can I say…I can’t even defend myself because that is, I have to confess, some of the doctrine that I have fallen into as well. I looked around the gym – several stick like figures sweating their little bodies out, while another tall, slim, ultratoned woman walked in bra top and hot pants. All heads turned, regardless of sex, including my own. And I remember the lyric, do you know who you are losing (weight) for? And I wonder, would we ever be free from being judged on appearance? Then I wondered, what if we get there? What if we get to the point when people do take the time to know you and then make the decision that you are too stupid, too unsophisticated, then they dislike you. Is that any better? Do people allow others to be less intelligent than others, less funny than the next person. If that is not allowed, is it that different from people disliking someone for being fat or ugly? Is it possible for people to be free from judgement? What would that look like in society? I am not saying that people who violate the rights of others should not be judged negatively. But that would be mixing morals and discrimination. I guess I wonder, if people are accepted for being who they are, all of their flaws and imperfections, whether people would be happier. I suppose this reflects my own competitive attitude that has driven me to withdraw from people. I need to get a sense of self adequacy somehow. Yet every where I look, I am “not good enough”. So it seems like I have withdrawn from contact, to avoid that sense of inferiority. Gosh I do ramble. I think the café owner will be mad at me sitting here for so long having only ordered a drink. Better go.