it's a worry

Exams over, surely I should be carefree, skipping along every day to the tune of "Oh happy days!". But that is rather far from reality. May be it's just human nature that I'm never satisfied. I am not a "worrier" as such but the following are my current worries... 1) I have to do the discharge summary for 6 people, who, in total, have spent more time in hospital THAN i HAVE LIVED thus far! 2) I think Barack obama is hot 3) The Simpson's is just not funny anymore 4) I find myself stupidly grining whenever I think of the reasons I go to Northshore on Fridays (ok, very private joke this one) 5) I like black jelly beans 6) I find myself mouthing the lyrics of Britney at the gym, no I wasn't talking to voices! ok ok, I know it looks like it... 7) I still harbour fantasies of marrying colin firth - at MY age, I would be lucky to get married full stop! 8) I have this tendency to wash my ipod, water my laptop and explode legumes in the microwave 9) I sometimes can't do the 3 item short term recall on the MMSE, a screening test for dementia 10) I still can't play 3 card freecell - damn it, I will admit, I don't even win every game when it's just 1 card freecell!

upsize me

I am SO sick of all these reality tv shows like Biggest Loser, Downsize me. Now they even have one for people's pets! How ridiculous is that?! They are merely thinly disguised crash diets. The most stupid segment they have a plate of "bad foods" like beer, chips, pies, wave them in front of the person, then ask them if they would fall for the temptation. If they say they won't eat it, they get a prize. Yes, I am certain that person will never ever put another piece of chocolate cake in her mouth. In fact, why don't we just ban donuts, pies and all foods with an ounce of fat in?! And they have the obligatory "weigh in" that I wouldn't be suprised if they force their contestants to purge with diuretics and laxatives, to make their miraculous hweight loss, that much more "impressive". All of this just reinforces the complete lie that "I'll be happy when I am thin". Obviously, business would like us to believe that...in fact, I wouldn't be suprised if the dieting industry is still booming despite the doom and gloom of this economic disaster. Is the concept of "love your body" so heretical? If you respect yourself from the start, you will use your body as it's intended, won't you? If these programmes are truly about "health", I challenge them to make an Upsize me version, for all those young girls out there starving themselves to be "healthy".

perfect score

What a week! I passed my clinical exam and received my scores mid week. Considering that I threw away my exam number before I left Melbourne, because I was SO SURE that I had failed again, the marks was astounding. I was 1 of 6 people between Australia and NZ who scored full marks in the interview. I suppose, most people would feel elation, may be sense of accomplishment. And don't get me wrong, I am, to all intents and purposes bragging about it, otherwise I wouldn't be writing it on here. But I also had this incredible sense of annoyance... WHAT THE HELL kind of stupid exam process is this?!It occurred to me that exams are such a FARCE! It is so RANDOM! I suppose I've been a person who relied heavily on external sources of validation, to tell me what kind of a person I am. So exams have mattered a lot to me. My reputation has mattered a lot to me. I can only say that I think God made SURE that I lose that incredibly flawed logic, before I got this exam. Apostle Paul said that we need to see ourselves "in the middle" (i don't know the exact verse) and I think this is also what I needed to learn. Was I that bad 2 years ago at what I do, that I deserved a score of 11/50? Am I this perfect now that I deserve a perfect score? This exam cannot, and should not, give me reassurance about my abilities as a psychiatrist, at all. What I do treasure, out of this whole farcicle of a process, was that people see what sort of person you are, what kind of doctor you make, from how you do on a day to day basis. I am truly grateful to each and every one of the friends and ALL of my family, who stood by me, through the two failures. A few months ago, I had a "run in" with a consultant. I called her because I needed her to do an assessment but she essentially refused. And there were a series of events which meant that a complaint was made. At the review, I wasn't there (I wasn't told about it) so the consultant tried to put the blame on me. However, even though I wasn't there, and the consultant tried to blame me for "not conveying the urgency for the assessment", the team involved, and the other registrar involved, all supported me. In spite of what the consultant said. The other registrar even offered to meet with the consultant with me, so I don't get bulldozed over (which I have a tendency to, with my stupidly submissive nature). And that experience, I would argue, was better than passing the exam. Given the superficial, appearance driven society today, I am grateful, and hopeful, that there are still, at least SOME people, who sees people by their actions, not by words. I do feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility now, not because I passed the exam, but more because of the way I passed it. It is also really sobering that, I still feel SOOOOO uncomfortable being me. I knew that passing exams, doing well, won't make me like who I am, judging by what I've said thus far, I shouldn't. But I suppose in some small way, I was still harbouring some hope that I would at least I would feel more comfortable in my own skin. But no, all the flaws and inadequacies that I know is me, are still...here. I know it's ll part of the process in learning that God values me because He is God, and that I am me - with selfishness, narcissism and all. Just before the exam, my eczema (skin condition) got really bad and I'm still not fully recovered from it yet. But I felt that this was God wanting me to let go of the other thing that keeps me from true freedom - my appearance. I was VERY fortunate that my face didn't get affected. But the papules are still here. My GP reassured me that they would eventually go away. But the whole experience was FRIGHTENING. And I was reminded the value of God who sees me for who I am, BUT still loves me. I make no apologies to non Christians who might come across this (actually, I know that nobody actually reads this, so this is just "in case). but this is what I believe and who I am :-)

apprentice to jedi

Finally, the apprentice is going to make jedi, shrink wannabe is going to be a shrink to be... Results actually came out on Friday but I threw away my number so I haven't been able to check til now. I was so sure I had failed the exam that I threw away all traces of the exam including the examinee number. I just didn't want to know. Well, I knew I would want to know but I didn't care. In shrink speak, it's called displacement - expressing the anger at the college / at myself, to the name badge and the paper work. But I couldn't help myself but look at the number. So it was imprinted in my memory. So on Friday, when I checked (again after much avoidance before hand) and saw the "successful", I had no way of verifying that it was me, and I had no proof apart from my own memory, that I remembered right. It's funny but the GP at where I work said, that's rather childish! And I have to agree. I thought, well, ok, I'll find out on Monday. But NO! The whole entire college seems to be on holiday because of the Melbourne Cup! So I haven't been able to check until today. And thank God I didn't remember wrong! So the relief of the exam was somewhat attenuated. It is only "relief" rather than elation. I remember when I passed my writtens, I was so excited that I rang my brother when it's midnight for them and I was on cloud 9 for ages. But now, 2 failed exams later, it's a relief. One of the consultants said to me, it's a good experience for me to learn to face my fears. I have to say, yes, it is true. I think the most precious thing I learn was the importance of seeing "the person". For someone who have always relied on external validation for self esteem, these 2 years have been an eye opener. I wouldn't say that I've learnt to only value my family and friends so much more. The mother I can never speak to telling me not to worry about exam results, do my best, and she is always there. And friends who remain my friends throughout. But perhaps even more moving for me, are the consultants who I kept helping out with practices, who kept believing that I would make a good psychiatrist, colleagues who reassured me they know I am a good doctor with or without the exam. I don't know how or why they feel this way, but I can only say that I am grateful and I consider them blessings from God. So, on the day America elected their first black president, Olivia found out she passed her clinical exams to be a psychiatrist.