perfect score

What a week! I passed my clinical exam and received my scores mid week. Considering that I threw away my exam number before I left Melbourne, because I was SO SURE that I had failed again, the marks was astounding. I was 1 of 6 people between Australia and NZ who scored full marks in the interview. I suppose, most people would feel elation, may be sense of accomplishment. And don't get me wrong, I am, to all intents and purposes bragging about it, otherwise I wouldn't be writing it on here. But I also had this incredible sense of annoyance... WHAT THE HELL kind of stupid exam process is this?!It occurred to me that exams are such a FARCE! It is so RANDOM! I suppose I've been a person who relied heavily on external sources of validation, to tell me what kind of a person I am. So exams have mattered a lot to me. My reputation has mattered a lot to me. I can only say that I think God made SURE that I lose that incredibly flawed logic, before I got this exam. Apostle Paul said that we need to see ourselves "in the middle" (i don't know the exact verse) and I think this is also what I needed to learn. Was I that bad 2 years ago at what I do, that I deserved a score of 11/50? Am I this perfect now that I deserve a perfect score? This exam cannot, and should not, give me reassurance about my abilities as a psychiatrist, at all. What I do treasure, out of this whole farcicle of a process, was that people see what sort of person you are, what kind of doctor you make, from how you do on a day to day basis. I am truly grateful to each and every one of the friends and ALL of my family, who stood by me, through the two failures. A few months ago, I had a "run in" with a consultant. I called her because I needed her to do an assessment but she essentially refused. And there were a series of events which meant that a complaint was made. At the review, I wasn't there (I wasn't told about it) so the consultant tried to put the blame on me. However, even though I wasn't there, and the consultant tried to blame me for "not conveying the urgency for the assessment", the team involved, and the other registrar involved, all supported me. In spite of what the consultant said. The other registrar even offered to meet with the consultant with me, so I don't get bulldozed over (which I have a tendency to, with my stupidly submissive nature). And that experience, I would argue, was better than passing the exam. Given the superficial, appearance driven society today, I am grateful, and hopeful, that there are still, at least SOME people, who sees people by their actions, not by words. I do feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility now, not because I passed the exam, but more because of the way I passed it. It is also really sobering that, I still feel SOOOOO uncomfortable being me. I knew that passing exams, doing well, won't make me like who I am, judging by what I've said thus far, I shouldn't. But I suppose in some small way, I was still harbouring some hope that I would at least I would feel more comfortable in my own skin. But no, all the flaws and inadequacies that I know is me, are still...here. I know it's ll part of the process in learning that God values me because He is God, and that I am me - with selfishness, narcissism and all. Just before the exam, my eczema (skin condition) got really bad and I'm still not fully recovered from it yet. But I felt that this was God wanting me to let go of the other thing that keeps me from true freedom - my appearance. I was VERY fortunate that my face didn't get affected. But the papules are still here. My GP reassured me that they would eventually go away. But the whole experience was FRIGHTENING. And I was reminded the value of God who sees me for who I am, BUT still loves me. I make no apologies to non Christians who might come across this (actually, I know that nobody actually reads this, so this is just "in case). but this is what I believe and who I am :-)