life, death, meaning and lack of...

I should really plan this note better before I start writing but there is a spur of the moment urge here. Read from the facebook update that the pastor in my old church had passed away. He was only 50. It sounded like a very fast decline and he died within weeks of diagnosis. The details I'm not clear on and I don't know if I really want to know. My first...feeling, really, was a sense of helpless despair. I guess questioning "why" or anger that "this isn't fair" had never really been my strength. But a gentler, more patient and caring man, you would be hard pressed to find. I suppose you have to be, if you took up the career of a pastor. But somehow it made the injustice and suffering of it all, seem that much more intense. I thought of his teenage children. Regardless of Christian belief, the cruelty of a life taken too early, sons unable to be mentored by a father, remain mourfully poignant. I get some comfort in knowing that they probably coped with a reality of life, as best as they could. Life seemed to be a preparation for death all along. At least, if you are a Christian, regardless whether the belief is true or not, adversities and death seem more acceptable because of the hope of an afterlife, where wrongs will be rectified, evil punished. I suppose that's why people need religion - it may not explain the scientific facts of life, but spiritual needs of life seem to lie in a different realm of human need all together. It ties in with my increasing apathy towards life - I wonder if atheists and humanists would have the same issue. I've also been rejected for a consultant position that I thought I would surely get. Despite various people in power, demonstrating some real sincerity in helping me to avert unemployment, nonetheless, the humiliatation of rejection was angering. Part of my confidence stemmed from certainty that my CV was better and that my interpersonal skills were better. I thought scoring full marks in the clinical exams would have added some weight. Having this disproved seemed a direct comment on my character. I can only accept that I am a narcissist. There seems little point in anything - relationships end up hurting, accomplishments are not necessarily the outcome of hard work, nothing said in front of you can be trusted. I don't know what my reaction would be when I eventually get a terminal diagnosis. It's somewhat a depressing relief to know that nothing much would be amiss, in that eventuation. I have yet to reconcile my "lapsed Christian" status with the comfort I see from it. I guess I wondered how much it is a man made creation to explain life and substantiate the need for morality. It seem to ask us to accept all the injustices and sufferings by defering to an afterlife. I suppose the problem seems to be my lack of personal experience of interventions from God, I'm sure most Christians would say it's my lack of faith. If I trusted, I would see His Grace. May be... May be I"m actually dementing and my apathy and social withdrawal are symptoms of this. May be my interest in psychogeriatrics is an altruistic way of coping. I gugess I should re-read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning...