death clock

"LORD, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is: that I may know how frail I am." Psalm 39:4. Made it to church today. And I don't think it is a coincidence. A friend's friend wrote him a note, essentially saying how ridiculous it is to believe in creation. Although I am Christian, I have my views about evolution. That, however, is not what I want to drivel about today. In so many ways, I could call myself a "lapsed" Christian. I find it hard to work up the enthusiasm I had as a teenager for God - go to church, go to cell group, lead cell group and so on. I seem to have developed a skepticism about life, may be even about people. Went out for dinner with some friends the other night. Topic was the cruelty inflicted on animals, for no good reason other than for the financial gain from breeding for animal shows. Given the evident tolerance man has for wars, torture, disasters, I think it is near unrealistic to expect us to show compassion to other species. May be it is this lack of faith that made it so difficult for me to reconcile with the unreserved positive regard Christianity has for people. I've been watching the BBC series 49 Up - a documentary that followed the lives of 7 people from the age of 7, til now, aged 49. They came from startling different backgrounds. It was sad to see how the big dreams of being jockeys, boxers got lost along the way of living. What was more sobering though, was the way that the rich and upper class got so much closer to what they aspired to be in life, compared to the tumultuous fights for survival, the already disadvantaged have to go through. They say that aristoscracy has been abolished but more disturbing is this globally, albeit subliminally, accepted discrimination by wealth. Of course, I am not one to make such complaints given all that I've grown up with. It is interesting though, the pity I feel for my own self. May be it's because of the regret I have, over how well I should have done, given my circumstances. In all honesty, I am insanely jealous of friends who have their own families, partners, friends that travel all over, friends that are surgeons in training, medics in training. Even worse, illustrating how superficial I am, friends that have nicer skin, wears make up, bigger boobs and so on. And I resent the cliche of describing myself as having low self esteem but that is the only plausible explanation I have come up with, in my years of studies of psychiatry and the human mind. A friend was commenting on some babe at a concert we went to. In my wise mind, I replied "it doesn't matter how others see you, what matters is how you feel about yourself". But if I am so wise, why do I allow jealousy make me fluorescent green?! I experienced a further narcissistic injury this week, finding out that the job I thought was being offered to me, they are also going to interview my colleague. Despite my rant last week about how people are superficial, I also have to be nakedly honest that having the offer, thought wrongly to be exclusive to me, made me feel wanted. I have now displaced the disappointment to anger at the DHB, for employing an external consultant, when they knew full well that there were two advanced trainees coming up for consultancy. Nonetheless, I guess I should be grateful that they told me about the vacancy and invited me to apply. Jealousy is such an evil feeling. It distances and separates. May be that is why I am still single... On the deathclock, I die on 2nd March 2037. At least I am almost half way...(www.deathclock.com)