and my mother too

The way my blog doesn’t keep spaces is really annoying. It makes out like I don’t know how to form paragraphs. So I’m typing this in word, wonder if it would make a difference. I had an “exchange” with mum again today, via e mail. I told her I was planning to go to Borneo over Easter for a holiday before I settle down and start studying for the exam in October. She again used the typical Asian woman passive aggressive reply. Essentially, she felt I shouldn’t go, for various reasons I won’t elaborate on. Given that relationship between me and my mum are, at best, icy, this didn’t help. My weekly visit to her place is out of cultural responsibility and not much else. Yet, I know, in my deepest of hearts, that she loves me. I know, in below the deepest buried skeleton of my closet, I love her too. I then wondered what it was that drove us to act with such hostility and passive aggressiveness. Each time we have a “disagreement” (absolute understatement) it inevitably arouse guilt as deep as the Grand Canyon. As I said, I know she is my mother. Perhaps more to the point, how things could change. I came to the conclusion that we are two people, each with our own world view, our own faults and credits. In our own circles, we receive validation for who we are. We may disagree but it does not necessarily mean that one of us is wrong. Afterall, as I previously blogged (evidently this is not a word on Microsoft word…), we are entitled to be ourselves. Implicit in that we each have the right to be respected for who we are. If she believes that she is right, and she can somehow construct the world to agree with her, who am I to dispute? But then I thought, if she is allowed to believe as she wishes, how does this differ from being “delusional” or mental? No, that wasn’t a joke! Well, may be… But seriously, if we lock up people who think differently from ourselves (you can argue that is what a delusion is, belief that other people don’t agree with), my mother say that I am a failure because I haven’t passed my RANZCPsych exam, or that travelling is a waste time and money, walking through her door tomorrow, what makes me sane and her insane? Or vice versa for that matter. I tried to think of reasons for her comments. I can only conclude that she wants me to do well. She knows the importance of career and financial independence. It is because she wants that for me, yet she is not me, she says and acts as she does. Who know? Maybe I would find that I am mistaken for spending so much on travelling. Maybe I should pay more attention to my appearance to find a husband. YET, I am my own person. In being such, I am responsible for the choices I make. Clever roads. Successes. Sadistic acts. Callous views. All. I think I’ve reached some sort of agreement with myself – I’m still allowed to do as I do. I can find no good solution except to say that I will try to see the relationship behind the interactions. It is too much to ask of her to understand me. We are polarities apart EXCEPT for the blood connection. I can agree to disagree with my patients on matters like aliens control their brain. As long as they don’t go exorcising their aliens from their heads, I am happy to discharge them home. I can surely do that with my own mother. God made her my mother. I don’t dare to say that God is wrong! The relationship drove us to be connected, the relationship keeps me to her. Relationships, funny thing isn’t it.