night dreamer

Two nights in a row, having to try to convince people that they should live instead of topping themselves. You can see though, that they are just angry – angry at the boyfriend who is now with a “new bitch” and this other man…well, he just needs to toughen up! Spent hours trying to convince him to go, instead of me having to section him. Argued with me that his life SHOULD be peaceful, happy. WHO SAID?! Face it, life is not fair. Life is sad. BUT don’t despair, it’s not forever! He said he’s so torn between living and dying. He shouldn’t have to live with such torment. I replied that people are always making choices. He remarked that I looked like I “got it together”. Little did he know on the way there, I was day…well, night dreaming about my new cunning plan to continue contact with my boss (who is officially single!!) even though I’m changing jobs… that’s why I could refrain from hitting him on the head telling him to toughen up….anyway, I digress. But I replied that I don’t particularly like getting up at 3 in the morning to listen to sad stories (not in those exact words but in essence) but we make choices for goals. He is a father of FIVE for crying out loud! Anyway, I won’t go on, but I felt such a fake, saying all these “validating things” that I don’t really believe in, when all I really want to do is say “look, it’s your choice, you don’t have to be able to get out of this on your own, but you have to let me help, if not, then good night!” Anyway, I am clearly rather good at pretending because he stayed. I suppose I’ve also been reflecting on the fact that some of my more junior colleagues have managed to past the exam which I have failed twice, and have to face again in October. It’s pretty damning evidence against my professional abilities. In spite of that, my boss (who unfortunately is quite unaware of my immature crush) and many others provide me with boosts such as “the best always takes three goes” and “I will wait for you” (although, well, I really don’t think Dr Suave meant that, he is after all, Dr Suave), did soften the blow. And I reflected on where I am going with life. What can I say, I like what I do. I hate the nights and the on calls but, on a day to day basis, it’s what I want to do. (although for the next 6 months, it may be less pleasurable to go to work, because of the lack of soothing eye confectionary). I am, even if I don’t pass the exam, satisfied with the nature of my work. I can only be thankful for having the opportunity to do it  I suppose it’s just that I owe God to pass this thing, because I can do more, being a consultant. Saw Nigella Lawson again on TV. Yeap, if I was a guy, I would develop an erotomanic delusion about her, then DON”T treat me! She is GORGEOUS. Oxford graduate. Graceful. Individual. @#$%%^* beauty in every sense of the word. Exuding warmth and motherly security…even now, as a girl…if I met her in person…I might… HAAAAAAAAAA. Yep, I’m fully aware of who might be reading this, and I take full responsibility for the entire passage above! SO THERE!