superficial discontent

Gosh where has the weekend gone? Everything leaves a carbon footprint except for weekends, so it seems. This week I kept asking myself, why I never want what I have, always envy of others, wanting to be someone else. Lord knows I have so much to be thankful for. To a certain extent, it’s useful to have something to strive for, yet when the goal post is not only out of reach, but seem to be in another playing field altogether! I have had a crush on every boss I had except for the one that asked me out. It struck me that sometimes I don’t like the people that find me interesting because they remind me of me! How will I ever get to be somewhere that I want to be? I want to be everyone else other than me. This is surely a curse. That is why I like the gym, that’s why I like swimming, these are times that give me legitimate reason to day dream. But surely it’s time to grow out of this teenage idealisation of life. This is a time of generativity and building of intimate relationship, so Erikson says. Failing this means falling into stagnation and isolation. I like to think that I only need to do my own best. But I do mind. I just make it like Holden Caulfield, stand off and be cynical, yet underneath, long to belong somehow. People say don’t worry about where other people are, what others get up to, no point in comparing. Make your own way, live your own life. But when everyone is different, are they not all the same? Why is it such a sun to conform anyway? I’ve come to conclude that there needs to be a high degree of sophisticated understanding and acceptance to age. I guess that’s why people say suicide is the coward’s way out. But where do people gain the wisdom? At the age of 31, I am “stepp'd in so far, that, should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as go o'er”.