on birthdays

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I was born, on the firfth day of March. If I aim to live no older than 60, I would have passed more than half my life now. May be it's some sort of a reminder that I watch The Bucket List on dvd tonight. I've often wondered why people "celebrate" birthdays. Isn't it a bit morbid to be happy about being 1 year closer to death? In the therapy group I "lead" at the hospital, the most popular theme appears to be the lost of "role" with age - children no longer need the mother, business no longer need an aging boss, spouse dies so loved ones no longer need a care giver. In their eyes, there is me, supposedly in the prime of my life, telling them, there is no shame in getting old, with age, comes wisdom, which is invaluable still, despite what society says. Do I believe that? Just finished the novella "the uncommon reader" about the Queen picking up the habit of reading. Eventually (cover your eyes if you intend to read the book), she abdicates the throne in order to write about her life as The Queen. Moral of the story? She found "her voice". In the movie, Morgan Freeman asked "have you found joy?" followed by "have you given joy?" (well, words to that effect, in my old age, my short term memory is not what it used to be). Tonight is my last night shift this month. There is a new system for being "on call" now. We get given an iphone. Nurses from the hospital "bleep" us with vitals (blood pressures, heart rates etc) and flag how urgent the message is. We get the call, point at the appropriate icon to indicate whether we are "on our way", or text for more info. (old fashioned voice calls are still used for community crisis calls) I was most excited with my new toy. Yet in the back of my mind, I wondered when would be the day that I can't keep up with the techno. The day when I refuse to try the new stuff, like how some consultants refuse to put their notes on computer. I would be obselete, outmoded, some day, sooner and closer to that day than I was yesterday... I don't think I have given "joy" to people willingly - may be when I was born, my parents were pleased; may be when I graduated from med school my family was relieved. But I have to confess I didn't get born into the world to please my parents, nor did I complete med school for my family. I think selfishly. I can't say that I have ever known "joy" as such either. Even when I became a Christian, it was more... ow to put it ... like an obligation than joy (kinda like, you have to acknowledge something, when you realise it's true - so like, i kinda realised there had to be a God, and Christian God seemed to be it, kind of thing). So I fail on both counts. Like The Queen in the novella, books certainly opened up new worlds and experiences for me. That is the beauty of books, of arts in general - as a medium into a different experiences. It transcends. But I don't have experiences of the Queen, nor will I ever have. May be I would feel different when I hang out with the Jedi Council tomorrow night. Council business is carefree and amusing (that means gossip about work and other consultants :-). May be when I take dad to Circus Oz, if he likes it, I would find a bit more meaning. But at present, in essence, I may have a "voice" (like this blog) but nothing to...say! As to whether I've gained any wisdom with my age...may be one... Never trust a fart :-)