Tiennamen Square and my career

First note since turning the ripe old age of 32. Let's see if I now overflow with pearls of wisdom:-) Received my first job offer this week. Initially I was elated, I love the feeling of being wanted. I know, it's sad that I feel needed only by a job. Given that there was only 1 position and they offered it to me, instead of another person (equally qualified and probably a lot more knowledgable), my narcissism was way over fed. During my week of nights, I read a book written by the political dissident of the Tienamen square massacre. It was both moving and sad. People who fought for something as basic as freedom, punished. Some of those writers now live as refugees in Europe - unable to speak the language, their health failing, alone in a country they do not belong to. Writers reduced to manual workers. Intellectuals silenced by the ordinariness of daily life. It is as if they have lost what they were fighting for. Along with it they lost themselves. I admire their courage, their dedication and their sense of hope. At the same time, however, I look on their passion with cold skepticism. May be I'm too cynical. May be I've lost my sense of patriotism. But to me, I fail to see the point in fighting for justice in a society that has no sense of morality. As an overseas Chinese, I am ashamed at the "get rich or die trying" mentality. The dazzling neon lights, high rises cannot hide the decaying mess of human misery - Sichuan earthquake being left in ruins, milk powder scandal found no one of authority responsible. May be living in China would arouse my anger at the injustice. At the same time, I look upon China with an overwhelming sense of futility. If a people can live through the trauma of the cultural revolution but not be stirred to rise up for democracy, I struggle to see any other cause would lead China to a democratic future. I mourn the loss of lives for a cause so few identify with. I suppose a sad fact of life is its superficiality. China as a nation forges on, painting a picture of prosperity and freedom, and the world goes along with it for fear of its vastness, cowers amongst its economic power. However, people are not that different between countries. I only have to reflect on my own situation. An equally good psychiatric senior registrar, if not more knowledgable than me, did not get offered a position, in a DHB he's already working in, in a team he's already familiar with. The reason? He's from the middle east? He doesn't smile as much as I do? He doesn't joke with his colleagues? "Interpersonal skills" they say, nothing more than whether you would lose yourself, in order to get into the "in" club. I went home to my mother's place today. As always, I'm fed up to my eye balls. She also cooked this curious stew of corn, beetroot and vegetables. She urged me to cook at home for better nutrition - take aways are full of trans fat, don't drink cow's milk, cake is evil, "rice" is a "no no". My sister urged me to stop drinking sugar free soda to save my enamel eroded teeth. Yet I cannot find the enthusiasm for life to the point that I would take steps to lengthen it. I wish I had the passion of the lone student standing in front of the tank on Tiennamen Square...