11 December dragged from facebook notes can't open my blog so have to do my schppeelll here. half watching Babel on dvd. i suppose communication is not that simple. words get in the way (5 languages in this movie - english, whatever middleeastern language that was, spansh, sign), actions get in the way. systems gets in the way (immigration department deporting the nanny), obviously prejudices gets in the way (the deaf girl). when the helicopter came to take Cate Blanchet away, brad pit tried to pay the person that house them. he wouldn't take it. he insisted. but he still refused. and you notice the conversation between them is blocked out by music. sometimes, i guess, communication don't need words.there was the kids talking to brad pitt on the phone. telling him about their day. words about hermit crabs and school, but it meant so much more, to a father stuck in a foreign country with his wife dying. so many times, i wonder if God is merely a concept, made up by people, as a way to explain life and all its accompanyin shit. mere figment of our imagination. oh sunday night already. where has the weekend gone? i'm protesting to God. didn't even go to church today. well, by the time i woke up, it was 11. of course i could have gotten up early but...i guess i'm protesting. i just want to...well, it's my own fault, indulging in my solitude, wallowing in my own misery. if the way to hear God is to be still, if mysticism leads one closer to spirituality, isn't church the opposite? i can't work this out. but i guess, this is still me giving myself excuses, not to relate. it's most ironic that i work in a profession that analyses relationships - one person's relationship with the world, one's relationship with one self. so it was today - another "people less" day. woke up. finished the book. gym. weekly nutrition from mum. then dad. and now. what has happened to time? I am one weekend older. I haven't grown any wiser. But just more apathetic, more pessimistic, more sarcastic. "I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice, when I'm not around."