catharsis

gosh i've been meaning to write this for so long. it is more a catharsis for myself than anything else.i went to dinner last night, with a girlfriend i didn't even know i had. but after keeping myself under isolation for so long, under the auspices of "enjoying my freedom with my flatmate moving out" which ... turned out to be a prison in disguise... but soltude became more a jealous lover than a friend. i had to make myself agree to the dinner and...well re-join the world. i sat and i thought i saw life, may be it was just passing by. i wondered if i crashed, that second before i die, would i at last regret putting so much time and effort into looks and the superfluous. i had to think about that. i ... still...am not sure. my friend asked me, what would olivia look like, if there was no one else around. i was speechless. to a point, i don't think there would be a point to exist in under those circumstances. i need to be "right". if there is no one to judge that i am "good", there is no point to be. it is sad i know. and OF COURSE i know it is wrong. i know God and all of that. but knowing does not translate to change. i have lost myself to preserve something i didn't need - like living with someone i don't talk to, because of appearance and the superfluous, than hang out with people i get along with. i say i don't tolerate weakness and i am remorseless in breaking relationships. but th other side of it is that i don't tolerate my own shortcomings either. if i could believe in compliments, may be things would be different. "it's lovely working with you" "it's been a pleasure" "i'm so disappointed when they didn't pass you", but words are...just that...words. as long as i didn't create any titanic disasters, one registrar is the same as the next and the other. yet it is strange. the olivia one minute before i found out my exam result, looks, feels and...seems to be...the same as the olivia one minute after. so there is a core of me, that doesn't change. but who is that, what is that? identity seeking is supposed to be an adolescent developmental task. clearly i am still negotiating...how do i value myself? why should i have value? may be there isn't really any point to anything. may be people are just too chickenshit to die...gosh, not words you should hear from an alleged christian huh. i wish i could claim the words below as mine, but they are by leonard cohen. these words speaks for me, like magic - guess that's what good art is, everyone can identify with it somehow. anyway, Everybody knows that the dice are loaded Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed Everybody knows that the war is over Everybody knows the good guys lost Everybody knows the fight was fixed The poor stay poor, the rich get rich Thats how it goesEverybody knows Everybody knows that the boat is leaking Everybody knows that the captain lied Everybody got this broken feeling Like their father or their dog just died Everybody talking to their pockets Everybody wants a box of chocolates And a long stem rose (Leonard Cohen)