the final insult

Ok. She's finally used it. My mother had used the fact that I failed my fellowship exam as point of insult in an argument. My brother is back from the UK to visit. We stayed home for dinner with mum last night. Mum, as usual, cooked way too much. We told her to stop because, to be frank, her cooking isn't the best, and there was enough to feed 10 for just the 4 of us anyway. So on that, she took offence. Obviously, food symbolised her care and worthiness. When she perceived that we were rejecting it, she got angry. So insults started. "There are PhDs all over the streets, nothing special" to my brother. "I get on so well with others people, it's just you two that have problems with me, it is YOU that are abnormal, YOU". She moves over to my side and said, "try and try and you still fail". I didn't feel like crying. I contemplated whether I felt hurt or not. I came to the conclusion that I must do, in some way. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing now. I always knew this would happen. I knew my mother comes out with comments she believes would hurt the most, when she feels injured. I'm not sure how I feel. I was somewhat suprised that I didn't want to cry. In realising this, I felt proud. I must have some other sense of my worthiness, some other means, that I wasn't fatally wounded. At the same time, I wanted to grasp at what it was, that I found my success in, exactly what it was that I found my value in. By making it conscious, I can conjure it up more easily when it is required. At home, I looked for volunteering travel tours in the hope that I can make some difference. I contemplated what would I do if I don't pass this exam. Would I be happy working as a medical officer rather than a consultant. I wondered if I felt confident in my abilities at work without having the letters FRANZCP behind my name. Perhaps more poignantly, if there was no one to look down on, in comparison to myself, would I still be worth something? I will never be the most beautiful amongst my friends. I do not endeavour to be the thinnest. I am not the most intelligent amongst the people I know. I am not the most altruistic or caring. I am not the most daring nor am I the most sportive. Is identity required to be "the most" in one area or another? If one is unique in the world, one must be "the most" in one form or another. I am, at the very least, "the most" me of all the people in the world! The question would therefore be, is being the most "me" a quality to be proud of? I am who I am. Things I do, though not unique, constitute me, in its combination. This combination, makes me. Therefore if "I" was to be good, this combination of thoughts, feelings, behaviours ought to how I want to be. I need to do because I believe in it, feel because that is how I felt, think because it makes sense to me. I don't need to be "better" than someone else, I just need to be me. In reply to my mother, yes, I accept that I failed my exams twice. I wasn't up to the mark for the exam. I am still single at the age of 31. I don't have good relationships with my parents. These make up part of me, but not all of me. My reaction to these circumstances define me, not these circumstances themselves. My coping is by no means perfect. The "better" I resolve to compare to, is myself, and myself only. In becoming a newer better me, is enough. Therefore I do not need her approval, or anyone elses' recognition. I am answerable to myself. That was why I didn't fall into pieces even if my mother thinks me a failure.